When I first started writing this, the day after, I did not yet know the full details of what had happened. Despite this, I felt compelled to write about him. Writing seemed to me to be the best way to process the loss, to remember him and to share him with others, and to make sure that I did not forget what he had taught me and what he might teach to others still.
I now know that he was biking as he often did. He was found still alive from what was probably a heart attack, but passed away either on the way to the hospital or soon after. This was not the first heart attack. He had had one several years earlier. Fortunately, that had taken place at a rock climbing gym with a heart defibrillator nearby. My uncle, despite being in incredibly good shape and active, was dealt a bad biological hand, or more specifically, a bad biological heart, and there was little he could do about it. Still in his early sixties, he should have had many more years to live.
Biology aside, my Uncle Lamar had a wonderful heart. He was without a doubt one of the best men I have ever known. I think anyone who knew him would agree.
My earliest memories of him are of our yearly Christmas trip to visit him, my aunt, and my cousins. I looked forward to cheesy potatoes and French toast casserole made by my aunt, and I couldn't wait to get into my uncle's woodshop in the garage, where we would sometime during our visit turn a bowl on the lathe or work on some other wood project. While I didn't really know him at the time, I always enjoyed his company. He was always laughing and making jokes. He didn't treat me like a child to be dismissed or tolerated. Instead, he engaged with me and treated me as equally worthy of his time as any adult. As I got older, I continued to make yearly trips to visit, sometimes with my parents and siblings, but most recently, with my wife and my children. These trips as an adult were where I really got to know and to admire him, as family, as a man, and as a friend.
Who was my uncle? Perhaps it is easiest to talk about him in terms of the roles he played and the virtues he displayed.
He was a husband. One of the ways I admired him most was in how he shared life with my aunt. I can't imagine them apart. He always looked out for her best interests. I always noticed how he checked on her needs: did she need any help, did she need a drink, was there anything he could do for her? He was always making sure she was taken care of. And I knew that he loved her. From the affectionate nicknames to the ways they touched and interacted, there was a warmness and "knowingness" between them. They laughed and joked together. They were best friends.
He was a father. As a father myself, I now appreciate this aspect of my uncle even more. He handled my cousins with love and support, but also firmness and discipline. He encouraged them in their pursuits and challenged them to be excellent. He expected their best but did his part to show them how to be their best. He also took time with them. In recent years he has gone on numerous adventures and trips with his kids, building treasured memories and experiences that will last a lifetime. Later this month he was going to go rock climbing with his son and my brother at Devil's Tower. Both of my cousins are successful, intelligent, ambitious, and mature adults, thanks largely to his firm but loving guidance.
He was a servant. As he sought my aunt's best interest, he also sought mine and that of anyone who was around. He noticed when we needed a drink refill. He'd carry in the luggage. He always cleaned up after meals. He'd take a dirty diaper out of my hand and take it outside to the garbage. No task was too small for him to not do. He looked for ways to serve others, and upon seeing the opportunities, he did them.
He was generous, with his time and his resources. He would give you the shirt off his back, which he actually did once. He had a jacket that he was wearing that didn't quite fit right and thought would fit my younger brother better. He took it off, had my brother try it on, and as it was a good fit, gave it to him on the spot. Then considering that he hadn't given me anything, he grabbed a fleece jacket that either he didn't need (or that he knew he could replace) and gave it to me. One of my favorite memories occurred at my cousin's high school graduation BBQ in their backyard. My son, who adored Uncle Lamar and was always excited to see him, hadn't yet said hello. My uncle, who was hosting, watching over a pig being roasted, and talking with the many adults surrounding him, squatted down to eye level to have a chat with my son when he came over, and proceeded to talk with him for several minutes. This made my son's day. I also recall all of the many free samples of Proctor and Gamble samples from his work that we would take home with us, as he had plenty to share. Many of the tools I use in my own home projects were given to me by him.
He loved the outdoors and travel. Upon "retiring", he got a part-time job at REI partly to get more outdoor equipment. He volunteered on the Pacific Crest trail maintaining the trail by clearing brush and logs. He was a regular biker and rock climber. He went on canoeing trips with his son. Whenever we would visit, he would always recommend a trail to take a walk or hike on. His trips around the world always involved visits to mountains, scuba diving, or other outdoor exploration. He thoroughly enjoyed his hobbies.
He was a worker. As best as I can recall, he basically took care of himself from the age of 16 onwards. He worked fulltime and put himself through college, taking classes at night. Eventually he earned an MBA. He worked a lot on the road when my cousins were little, but he eventually made his way to a top sales and marketing position at Proctor and Gamble that was more stable and allowed him to be home and to avoid travel. I never heard him complain about working hard. Life is hard and working is hard. He accepted that and made the best of it.
But he also knew when to have fun too and the right priority of things. He retired as soon as he could to spend more time with family and those he loved, more time traveling, and more time enjoying life. Of course he could have continued on to greater things in a career, but this was of no importance to him. He devoted the past several years to making memories, and in light of recent events, this was definitely the right choice. His family will have more loving memories of him than most people will of parents and husbands that lived many more years than he did.
He was a man of laughter and humor. No matter the conversation or topic, he would inject humor into it. Life is full of ironies and comical situations, and my uncle also saw these and pointed them out. One always enjoyed a conversation with him. Laughter would follow every paragraph. His odd phrases and words (e.g., "gigundi" = gigantic) always brought a smile. His other quirks, like always wearing shorts (even in the middle of winter), make me laugh whenever I think about them.
I do not really know what he believed about life after death, God, and so forth. I think some bad experiences with religion and "religious people" may have turned him off to faith. Regardless, he struck me as someone who "loved thy neighbor" in spite of this. I am reminded of a story in Langdon Gilkey's Shantung Compound. In this, Gilkey writes about his experiences in an American and British civilian internment camp during WWII located in China and controlled by the Japanese. He recounts the story of a woman of loose moral character in the camp. The good "religious" folk in the camp looked down on her for this moral failing. However, she was the one who took food to the needy. She was the one who sought out those who were lonely and in need of extra care and attention. She was the one who worked hard in the kitchen to help prepare meals for the camp members. Contrast this with the "religious" members who, like the Pharisees, were more interested in the show and pretenses of religion than in actually living out the gospel. My uncle was like this woman. He instinctively lived out the values taught and shared by most religions, despite the lack of formal religiosity, and perhaps better than many (or even most) people with formal religious affiliation.
He was a man of peace and joy. My uncle was at peace with himself and the world. Perhaps that is why he felt free to serve and love others and why he radiated joy to others. He knew who he was and what he was about. He knew what mattered and he focused his efforts on that: loving others and building memories with others. We would often discuss politics or whatever else was "wrong with the world". While we often disagreed, it was always a beneficial and mutually affirming discussion. He sought common ground on every topic and looked to interpret what was said in the best possible light. He had no need to prove me wrong or to win an argument, as that was not really what mattered. Instead, what mattered was our relationship, and he used every opportunity to strengthen and deepen that. This peace and joy made him attractive, and people couldn't help but be drawn to him.
So what can we learn from him and his life? I suppose it is nothing new or that we have not heard before, but it certainly rings more true to me today than it has before.
- Love your family and your friends. Today. Concretely. With words and actions. Engage.
- Experience life. Take trips, make memories. Don't put it off.
- Work hard, but not too hard.
- Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh!
- Be generous. Give. You have enough to share.
- Be open to new and different ideas. Be charitable in your conversations.
- Know yourself, know what matters, do it, and in that, be free.
I think my uncle would be ok with his passing. Yes, of course he would have liked to have had 20 more years of life, as we would have liked to have had 20 more years with him. But he was living every day to the fullest, and he had not put his life and his love on hold until a future unknown and unpromised time. He was doing exactly what he should have been doing with his life, and consequently, could live and die without regret.
May that be true for all of us.
Rest in peace Uncle Lamar.
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“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” ― Charles Swindoll (and Lamar's favorite quote)
