Married to My Work

The phrase "married to my work" is supposed to carry a negative connotation.  It means something like: one's work comes first and foremost in priority, consumes most of one's time (even supposedly free time), that one can never get away from work, it distracts or takes away from family and friend time, and so forth.  The above would be more accurately described as being a "slave to my work," and is obviously not a healthy situation.  On the contrary, an appropriate level of being "married to my work" is a good thing.  But to understand this, we must first reflect on our understanding of marriage itself.

Dating vs. Marriage

What typically is the purpose of dating?  To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, it is to "try others on" to see how they fit with you.  Do you like the same things?  Do you enjoy talking and spending time together?  Do you have shared values and dreams?  Can you support each other?  It is very much self-focused: what can I or am I getting out of this?  This need not be selfish or self-centered, as it is important if one's ultimate aim is to find a partner for marriage that one finds a good match.  But there is a tendency to focus on having fun, and if things get rough, it might be easier to bail on the relationship instead using the opportunity to grow.

Marriage is different.  Read any marriage book or talk to any marriage counselor.  Once you say "I do", if your marriage is to be successful, you must now begin to focus on the other.  How can you support your spouse's dreams, goals, and pursuits, especially if they are different from your own? The idea behind marriage is that you achieve more and become more having committed to one person.  For better or worse, in sickness and in health, this person is supposed to help you fully realize your potential (and you are supposed to do the same).  You trade short-term, low-commitment advantages for a long-term investment that you can only get from sticking it out with one person for a lifetime.  You get to go deep with someone, knowing that they have committed to you and you have committed to them, and so you can be vulnerable and share yourself with them.

Traditionally, marriage has been about the mutual support of the spouses and the procreation of children.  It is best for you in the long term, and it is fruitful as children are brought into the world and reared.  It is supposed to provide a stable and loving environment for all members to live and grow in.  Yes, it is hard, yes, there are bad times, but in theory, when one looks back on one's life, one will be able to see that one has grown, matured, and gained far more than one has lost in being married as opposed to maintaining a single or frequent dating lifestyle.  The commitment is what allows one, indeed, forces one, to grow and be fruitful, as this is often born out of the challenges of marriage.

No, I am not saying that single people cannot grow and mature without being married or that they will have unfulfilling lives.  Any relationship that is a sustained commitment, an investment, through thick and thin, for the long haul, will encourage and require us to grow, but will also provide life-long enjoyment.  Think of your best friends, your siblings, your parents even.  These are our meaningful relationships.  These are the kinds of relationships that prove to be the most fulfilling.  These relationships are what we are made for.

Application to Work

With the above in mind, what is our approach to our work?  Now I am not advocating placing work above family or other legitimately higher priorities.  But what really is our attitude towards and commitment to work?  Are we dating our work, or married to it (in a healthy way)?  Work is important, and it can be very satisfying, dignifying, and developing in our personal growth and flourishing as a human being.

I have been consulting for the past six years.  The life of a consultant (in my experience, granted, your experience may be different), is that one goes from project to project, company to company, 3, 6, 12 months at a time.  You get in, get what you want out of it (or what your client wants out of it), and then you move on.  It is much like dating.  Either you break up with your client or your client breaks up with you after the work has been accomplished, the relationship has soured, or something else better comes along.  You always have one foot out the door.

Consequently, one's attitude towards work shifts to "what can I get out of this?" for every new project: will it advance my career, will I learn new skills, will I broaden my experience?  The client is asking the same thing: will this consultant advance my work, my project, and my career?  Now some of this is fine and good and healthy, as we do need to think about what is best for us (in a healthy way).  But it is interesting to notice how this can prioritize short term gain over the long term benefits of really committing to a role for the long haul, and encourages breadth of experience at the cost of depth of experience and knowledge.

I recently had the opportunity to go full time and leave consulting behind.  In thinking about whether to accept that opportunity, the analogy to dating and marriage came to mind.  Going full time is much more like marriage.  I would be trading a broad range of experiences for the depth of a single experience.  Instead of having relatively shallow knowledge of a wide variety subject areas, I would become an expert in a relatively narrow field.  Instead of hopping from project to project after my work has been completed, I would get to enjoy the "fruits of my labor" along with the challenges of building and maintaining a long term solution.  I would be committed, knowing that I cannot just walk away if the work gets challenging or coworkers get unpleasant.  I'd be in it, for better, and for worse.  And the role would definitely require more of me both in time and effort.  But hopefully, I'd get to reap the rewards of that long term commitment: greater satisfaction, deep knowledge, something I can point to as having accomplished, deeper friendships with coworkers, and personal and professional growth.

Conclusion

Yes, there is a time for dating your work.  And there are outside work commitments and other considerations that may make a lesser commitment to your work the right decision.  Yes, you should prioritize your family and perhaps other commitments over work. Yes, you shouldn't be overly committed to your work in an unhealthy environment, and you should maintain appropriate boundaries.  Yes, yes, yes, all of that needs to be considered. 

But after considering all of the caveats and addendums and factors in your life, honestly reflect: are you dating your work?  Why?  Is there a good reason?  Are you satisfied with your work?  If not, maybe its because you have never really committed and invested in your work in the ways that are necessary for satisfaction, fruitfulness, growth, and fulfillment in the long term.

If you want to be happy in your work, maybe it's time to get married.